Friendship, Dating, Love And Marriage: 2009-02-15

by Dr. Robert Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach
Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one's spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section 1: The "offended spouse" says:
I used to focus on what mood is he in, is he going to talk to me today, is he going to look/act like he'd rather be anywhere else with anyone else other than me. This habit/pattern is hard to break, but I'm working on it. I was so hurt and rejected that sometimes in my depression that I didn't leave the house for days. All this in an attempt to figure out how to be okay with my life and how lonely I was. This was his excuse for his affair ("if you thought it was bad being that way, you have no idea how hard it is to live with a person like that" - thoughtful words from him after I learned of his affair). I've been figuring out "what makes me happy" as friends refer to it, but that seems selfish and that's just not me. I'm learning how much living like that has affected the simplist of things - mood, attitude, communication and my relationship with our 13 yr old daughter. I wrestled with deciding whether or not to stay in my marriage and even though we're still living together, I was non-committal and that hasn't helped things much. But lately, I've been getting more clarification. I still don't have all the answers as for our marriage, but I do know that I'm doing what I'm called to do right now. He has been making changes although I've been frustrated that they're not the ones I think he should be doing. I realized that he's trying and doing the best he can and I've not acknowledged the changes that he has made and that tears down the very thing that I said that I wanted. Regardless of where this leads, I'm ready to move forward with my life. He has an opportunity to rise higher in his life and our relationship and if he's unable, I can accept that, but I know with all my heart that I need more than that and I love him enough to let him go. Otherwise, it'll continue to tear us down as individuals and as a couple. That to me would be unforgivable - to intentionally choose that. I've finally forgiven him and I'm excited to be able to share that with him when I see him (he's working 4 hrs away for a couple of weeks). I believe it's a gift that both of us need and it's necessary for healing regardless of whether we stay together or not. In addition to asking him to forgive me for where I fell short in our relationship, I've finally forgiven myself. The reality is that he made some wrong decision(s), but as painful as all of this has been (this was his second affair), I'm grateful for the opportunities that it's opened in my heart. There's great power in "pressing on" and getting through. I'll even go as far as to say that I'm starting to determine my call and purpose in life. I don't have the specifics yet, but I know that my past experiences were not given to me just to keep them inside and hide them away (survival of growing up in physical, emotional and verbal abuse, death of my child at age 7, two abusive ex husbands, battling depression, etc). I believe they can help others too. I've always believed that, I just lost sight of it. I'm excited to see how all of this unfolds. Well, I know you didn't ask for a book, but I've never been one short on words.
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
Become a LIFETIME MEMBER of Infidelity Insider now.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Infidelity Quickie #3: The "Surface Stroke" is Killing Me and My Trust

by Dr. Robert Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach
Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one's spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section 1: The "offended spouse" says:
Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. "Moving on" for him is to bury the past. I think it's easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is "shut". Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It's almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke. Why is he being so tentative and blah? I know I have too many questions but I need your help.
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
Become a LIFETIME MEMBER of Infidelity Insider now.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Infidelity Quickie #2: Hanging on to the Silver Lining in infidelity

by Dr. Robert Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach
Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.
In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.
I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.
The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one's spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.
Section #1: The "offended spouse" says:
Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn't even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn't and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy.
Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:
Continue to work on self improvement goals.
Journal or reflect on your internal dialogue. Be aware of the part that has negative thoughts. Try to understand the intent of this part and what this part wants for you.
Continue building your support system (family, friends).
Allow yourself to grieve the loss.
Section 3: What the affair means for the "offended spouse" and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:
This seems so sudden. I hope you know what you are doing. Looks like you might be buying
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
Become a LIFETIME MEMBER of Infidelity Insider now.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Infidelity Quickie #1: Feels Like the Agony of the Affair will Never End

Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?

By Dr. Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach
I've worked intensively with hundreds of couples over the past 25 years and, of course, you will not be surprised to know that more women than men are "open" to marital therapy and talking about relationships in general.
Most men reluctantly enter the realm only if they "have to." Their marital world usually needs to be in dire straits before they give their assent.
Here are some observations about this phenomenon:
1. Men think they are inadequate when it comes to expressing feelings or inner thoughts. And, they assume this is what marital therapy is all about. They perceive the woman as the expert in this realm and they assume that they will be in the "one-down" situation when it comes to working on the relationship. And, of course, no man wants to be one-down.
2. Men usually internalize. That is, they work through, or think through, a situation or problem. No one may know what is happening between their ears. Men usually do not have a need to "talk out" a problem or situation. And, of course, working on a relationship is about "talking it out." At least that is what grocery store magazines and talk show hosts say.
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
Become a LIFETIME MEMBER of Infidelity Insider now.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Marital Infidelity: 11 Stubborn Barriers to "Makingover" Your Relationship

By Dr. Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach
Your relationship has suffered a deep wound. Both of you have a level of commitment to "make it work." The OP is out of the picture - a least to a large degree.
You know there is a crisis. You know you must "get at" the problem. Now is the time. If you don't address the crisis NOW, in some way, you know the chances for having a vibrant rich relationship are spiraling downward.
Efforts to "makeover" your relationship demand a fair degree of feeling safe with one another. Often this is not the case.
Barriers to safety need attention before any "makeover," resolution or joint decision making can occur. Often you are not aware of the specifics of the barriers. Or, you have a difficult time addressing them.
The barriers or walls sit in the background casting their debilitating shadows.
Your intentions may be pure. But, once you face each other, the barriers quickly squelch the hope for any positive outcome. In reality you think, "Here we go again. The same-o-same-o." You feel defeated.
Below, I've listed 11 common barriers.
1. I want to talk, he/she doesn't.
2. I'm afraid of finger-pointing, judgment. I will become the “bad person.”
3. The conversation will eventually turn to “what I did wrong” or “how I caused this problem.”
4. I'm fearful I will back down, give in and then pretend that things are fine.
5. I don't want to hurt his/her feelings.
6. I don't know how to put into words what I want to say.
7. I'm afraid “it” won't work. Then what? I'd rather not face that.
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
Become a LIFETIME MEMBER of Infidelity Insider now.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Marital Infidelity Recovery: 6 Reason NOT to Work on the Marriage"

By Dr. Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach
I often explain that "polarized couples" (one wants to 'talk it through' and the other hopes it 'goes away' for example) find their marriage grinding to a halt when they believe they must "work on the relationship?'
Here are some difficulties typically experienced when a couple commits to "working on the relationship:"
1. "Working on the relationship" often implies that each "should or must" act, feel and think particular ways to make their efforts successful. A "should" sets one up for failure and disappointment, for no one ever fully acts, thinks for feels as they "should." An atmosphere of effort and grinding it out permeates the couple. And, each holds his/her breath, as they both believe that failure follows the next interaction. Talk about pressure! I assume you want a different environment created in your relationship.
2. "Working on the relationship" for a huge percentage of the couples I encounter means being "nice," accommodating the other and being on your best behavior. Conflict is seen as a catastrophe. Such a strategy, in essence, obscures and clouds the truth. The truth, which sets a couple free, is relegated to the background and buried under the surface.
3. "Working on the Relationship" often means trying to find a "middle ground." There must be "something in common" that holds the couple together and make it better. Well, maybe there isn't any "common ground!" And, just maybe that is good. Perhaps the differences, the extremes, give the couple fire and passion and create, together, that which each, at one level, is looking for.
4. "Working on the relationship” often means working hard to meet the needs of the other. I "sacrifice" my needs, or at least put them on the back burner, and intentionally go about "making my partner happy" by attending to his/her needs. This may work for a period of time but resentment at some point emerges since one or both believe that the need meeting is not being reciprocated to the degree he/she would like.
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
Become a LIFETIME MEMBER of Infidelity Insider now.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Infidelity Recovery for a Relationship: A HUGE Problem

by Dr. Bob Huizenga, the infidelity coach
There is much information out there about the skills you need to rebuild a relationship after infidelity or other crisis.
But, there's a prior concern. Powerful emotional and cognitive (thinking) barriers exist that get in the way of using those skills.
Your intentions may be good, but eye-ball to eye-ball reality brings tension. The use of your new found skills evaporates and you shrink back to the negative patterns that create mistrust and distance.
Here's the problem: "How in the world do you and your partner get on the same page and begin remaking your relationship after the ton of hurt and distance you have experienced through the extramarital affair or other crisis?
I asked my clients to list 3-4 barriers that keep the two of you apart and stall the healing process.
I had over 9 pages of barriers that they listed. But, from that long I clearly was able to discern recurring themes. Below are listed 3 HUGE problems:
1. You try (very hard) but you don't get much. You ask questions. You probe. You want to know where he/she stands. You want more information. You want and need reassurance...but you don't get it. It seems that the more you try, the more He/she pulls away in his/her typical manner.
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
Become a LIFETIME MEMBER of Infidelity Insider now.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is Not Always "Hot"

Yesterday two of my coaching calls were with those whom had the extramarital affair.
Both of them hugely regret the marital infidelity. Not only that, they explicitly described their sexual encounters.
And, their sexual encounters left them cold. Literally!
The first was a male who seemingly struggled through extramarital affair #6: I need to prove my desirability. He described a life-long pattern of struggle with self-esteem. (Now, this is not news - most of us at some level question our esteem - but for him, it was more intense.)
He found someone (or maybe was was found by someone) 15 years younger who flattered him. It felt good. The flirtatious relationship lasted for some months. He reported that they "tried" to have sex on a couple occasions. The result was terribly unsatisfying and only compounded his guilt.
The second person was a female who also encountered someone 15 or so years her junior. She was traumatized to the extent that she felt like it "wasn't her." She did remember that he was unable to get an erection. I'm now working with her and her husband to "makeover" their relationship.
I bring this up to help those of you who think that the sex your spouse/partner had with the other person was something just a tad short of stupendous, or maybe was indeed a stupendous event. (Sex perhaps was on one level "good" - at least from their perspective - but this is only true for particular kinds of affairs.) Actually, I believe sex can NEVER be as good in an extramarital affair as it truly can be in a committed relationship founded on truth and integrity. But, perhaps more of that later.
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
Become a LIFETIME MEMBER of Infidelity Insider now.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?

Finding out, having your suspicions confirmed and staring at this ugly monster eye-ball to eye-ball for the first time is often gut wrenching. The impact on your feelings, your psyche, your body and how you think can throw your life into turmoil. Your body, your spirit and your mind revolts.
So, how do you cope? Should you seek out medication? Here are some considerations on this topic.
1. First, there is nothing wrong seeking a little boost or a break from the agony you experience. It is often difficult to keep in mind that your agony and pain is situational and this too shall pass. Not right away. But it will. But, in the meantime I encourage you to act to take the edge off the intensity.
2. Extreme difficulty sleeping, eating, holding food down, controlling your thoughts (you can think of NOTHING else except him/her or your situation), thoughts of abject worthlessness, and thoughts of ending it all indicate you need some temporary help to see you through the next few days and weeks.
3. How bad is bad? Use a scale of 1-10, 10 being as bad as it can get. Check yourself during the day on this scale. You will find recurring thoughts and feelings or "themes" that, at some level, you are working on and are in need of healing. Identify these "themes" and measure them on the scale each day. Are the negative thoughts and feelings more frequent? Are they more intense on the scale. This will guide you in your need for external support.
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Infidelity - Day of Discovery: How to "Hold" your Feelings

Ouch! No, it's more than an ouch, isn't it? How about a huge punch in the stomach? How about ripping your heart out? How about a menagerie of crazy unending thoughts that defy sleep or anything else you propose for that matter?
Infidelity stabs you over and over, at least initially.
Allow me to present one way, just one way, to begin to get a "hold" your feelings.
Notice I didn't say "get rid" of your awful feelings. Often, the more we insist upon them "going away" the more they seem to persist. After all, your feelings have concerns and fears that MUST be addressed. But, you want to address them on YOUR timetable and in in way that will honor you.
The key word is: control. You want to control yourself, your thinking and your feelings as you move through this agonizing process. At the same time you do not want to "control" to the extent that you deny, avoid or minimize what it is that you must look at and address in your situation.
I often suggest this technique.
1. Get a kitchen timer or stop watch of some kind, notebook and pencil.
For the remainder of this article and more...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Infidelity Discovered: Why He/She Won't Tell Me the Truth?

by Dr. Robert Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach
Upon discovery of infidelity there is often a strong need to know the details. What happened? When? Where? Why? etc. The reasons for these questions are examined in my first article on this subject: "Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong."
You have the need to know, but his/her lips are sealed or walks away, ignores or bypasses your questions, puts it back on you, denies or does other numbers on you to keep you away from knowing what really happened. There are predictable reasons why this happens. Here's some of them:
1. Your partner/spouse is involved in an "I don't want to say no" affair. Your partner probably is a person wrapped up in his own ego, personal needs, and life style. He can rationalize the behavior and actually come to the conclusion that he is entitled to get his needs met this way. After all, he is such a magnanimous person! Bottom line: your needs and concerns really don't matter! He doesn't want to talk about them and sees absolutely no reason to get "bogged down" in what is important to you.
2. Your spouse/partner is involved in an "I can't say no" affair. Your partner finds it painfully difficult to respond to your need to know out of shame and guilt. She sees, at one level, her actions becoming more and more destructive and degrading and believes, again at an unspoken level usually, that she has less and less control over her actions. Guilt and shame follow the infidelity with self-promises to break off the behavior. However, these promises are usually broken. She is ashamed for you to know this struggle.
3. Your partner/spouse is involved in a "revenge" affair. He wants you to squirm. This may not be front and center in his consciousness, but just below the surface is some resentment and anger, for whatever reason, aimed in your direction. He thinks: "Hmmmm this is payback time. Good. Now she knows what it's like to be on the receiving end. I'll continue this for a while...and secretly enjoy her torment. I won't give her the satisfaction of responding in a caring way to her needs."
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.

For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is So Strong

When you discover that your partner is immersed in infidelity, you may have a powerful need to know. You want to know the details. Maybe ALL the details. When? Where? How? How Often? What was it like? etc.
No. there is nothing wrong with you. In working intimately with hundreds of people like you, ravaged by an extramarital affair, the need to know is very common.
Here are six reasons why you might want to know.
1. The need for validation. If you tend to be intuitive, that is, soak in the signals from others around you and try to make sense of them, you may have this powerful urge to go back and find out what really happened.
Your partner says, "Yes, I was with him/her on that day." You think, "Oh yes, I remember having a feeling at that time, an awful feeling. Now I know what that was about." Or, "I asked you if you were having an affair and you denied it...or turned it back on me with your anger. I thought I was going crazy. Now I know I wasn't.
2. You question your adequacy (and who doesn't when confronted with marital infidelity) and a part of you wants to heal/change those thoughts and feelings.
And so, you venture into the comparative game and ask/think: "What did they do? Was he she better? What was he/she better at? What didn't I do or give? Where do I get stuck emotionally/sexually?"
Sexual interaction is a "window to the soul." Be kind to yourself when you compare. Learn. Often their sexual interaction leaves a lot to be desired. Know as well that your partner's inadequacies will shine just as brightly with the OP (other person) as with you.
3. How bad is it? You want to know what you are up against. What is the extent of the boundary violation? How deeply embedded is my partner in this web? Do I throw in the towel? Will it be possible for me to forgive? How long will this take? How long will I hang in there?
This question is important for the "I can't say no" and the "I don't want to say no" types of affairs. Infidelity behaviors worsen over time with these kinds of affairs. You want to know where in this process is your partner.
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Sign of Affair: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
If there is one front-and-forward excuse for infidelity it is: " I fell out of love."
This usually means: I no longer feel sexually attracted to you (I'm sexually attracted to someone else, for now, at least.) Or, I need to spice my life with giddy emotional highs and intrigue every so often.
Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.
Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7.
And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.
One kind of affair I write about in my E-book is called, "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love."
Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:
1. Hang on to your seat. This may be some ride, much like a thrill ride at an amusement park. There will likely be many ups and downs, spiced with dramatic flair. Watching your spouse go through his gyrations may leave you somewhat dizzy. He will give his all to this new-found "love" and at other times might find his way back to you.
2. Typically you will struggle with being ignored and feeling rather awful that you can't provide the "love" this other person seems to provide. You might find yourself questioning your capacity to "love" and your desirability. His affections will obviously be centered on that other person.
3. He may want to tell you about this other person. Not only might he want you to know about the other person he may desire to share with you some of the details of this relationship. He might want you involved. This creates an intense triangle that juices the drama. (Most classical love stories are dramas, complete with a triangle; he "falls in love" with the forbidden or unattainable princess. Often the drama ends as a tragedy - Romeo and Juliet.)
4. Expect some juvenile behavior such as love letters (e-mail), special names, special promises, secrets only for the two of them, etc. Some of these affair relationships are the result of unfinished business from adolescence. Perhaps he was responsible for family or beset by some trauma or internally or externally imposed injunctions that precluded him from dating, socializing with the opposite sex, and "falling in and out of love" a number of times, which is so important and vital for adolescent development.
5. You may hear the persistent phrase, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He may truly "like you" and depend on your stability, goodness and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep him connected with you. His fear of losing that which is stable and enduring may conflict with his need to follow his feelings. As well, the possibility of loss may point to the internal emptiness that stirs up very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. This is part of the roller coaster ride.
6. He may feel very badly about his "inability" to love you and his "inability" not to love the other person. He may express great remorse for the dilemma. He may profess deep sadness for "hurting" you - but, as you know, he has no control. His feelings drive him. His "concern" for you indicates his superficial understanding of relationships. Or, his "concern" for you may be a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage.
7. Expect his feelings for the other person to fade. They will fade quickly if this is a pure "I've fallen out of love (and just love being in love)" affair. The "romance" of adolescent love affairs start quickly and end as abruptly. If, however, other issues come into play, such as, resentment and/or the inability to say no, you have a more complicated situation that takes longer to resolve.
####################Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, "Break Free From The Affair."For one on one infidelity coaching click here. ###################

For more details click here
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Signs of a Cheating Spouse...and how they differ from Signs of Infidelity

by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
Cheating is different from infidelity?
Yes, I believe so. Signs of a cheating spouse will be different from signs of infidelity.
In talking to thousands of people embroiled with a cheating spouse or infidelity over the past two plus decades, I've noticed a difference. In our society the word cheating carries different meaning than infidelity.
This is important for someone discerning the signs of a cheating spouse or the signs of infidelity. A person who "cheats" is different from someone who is involved in "infidelity."
Cheating is most closely described in my e-book as someone who "Doesn't Want to Say No." This is only one of 7 kinds of affairs. The other six kinds of affairs lean more in the direction of infidelity.
The true cheater is a rather rare bird, but is probably most glamorized and comes closest to our stereotype of cheating or infidelity.
Infidelity, in general, is marked by confusion, pain, doubt, ambivalence and a period of craziness in a person's life.
Cheating is an ongoing lifestyle.
Here are some signs of a cheating spouse: (substitute the word she for he, if you like.)
1. There most likely will be more than one other person. He sees affairs as conquests, usually sexual, and not as a place to find intimacy. Actually he lacks many of the tools and the mind set to have intimate relationships. He most likely will move from one conquest to another. His gratification on a basic level remains primary.
2. He will have little internal conflict about the affair. This differs markedly from the person who can't say no. Your spouse will view the affair or affairs as entitlement. He deserves them. He deserves to be adored. He deserves to have excitement and personal gratification in his life. He has earned it. There is nothing wrong with this. Actually others, perhaps you included, ought to understand this!
3. He will operate in a world that supports his illusion and behavior. He will surround himself with those who look the other way or actually encourage his philandering behavior. You will probably not find yourself welcomed in this world. He and his colleagues and friends collude to maintain their world.
4. You might run into a problem with the other person or persons. Remember the movie, Fatal Attraction? The other person might attach herself to him with specific expectations to be cared for and perhaps married - perhaps part of his strategy in his conquest efforts. When she is "dumped" or the expectations fail to materialize she may pursue revenge. You might be involved.
5. You may not experience a great deal of conflict with him. There is no talk of divorce. Your life might be quite copasetic - unless you rock the boat. He has his playtime and you fill another specific role of quiet support. Keep the balance and life moves along fairly seamlessly.
6. There is one problem, however. The problem of aging. Depending on his social context, you might become a liability as you increasingly fail to project a young attractive vibrant image. He wants those around him to reflect back beauty and perfection. If you fail in this regard you may be cast aside. Part of this depends on the financial cost of such "trade-in."
7. His fragile, illusionary world and yours may crumble if he encounters failure. Failure is his "Achilles heel." Unfortunately, the distortion and illusion he lives under do not always coincide with reality. He pushes and bends the rules to his advantage. He may not pay close attention to the consequences of his behavior. Those consequences - legal, financial or health - may bite him at some point. He most likely will count on you to be there for him, to cry on your shoulder (perhaps literally) and help him regain his confidence.
####################Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, "Break Free From The Affair."For one on one infidelity coaching click here. ###################

For more details click here
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Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do It

by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.
Yes, infidelity is complex. You probably know that or perhaps feel the overwhelm and confusion.
Most I work with find tremendous relief, a sense of control, confidence and power once they pinpoint the situational signs of infidelity.
Understanding IS the beginning of healing.
Yes, there are general signs of infidelity that indicate that your husband or wife may be cheating. After you finish reading this page you will find a link for those general signs of infidelity.
But, to accelerate breaking free you need to dig into and nail down the signs and patterns of infidelity.
Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7.
And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.
Let's begin here.
One kind of affair I write about in my e-book is called, "My Marriage Made Me Do It."
Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:
1. Expect that your spouse will have a very powerful attachment to the other person. The other person will consistently be on her mind. Your spouse will shift energy away from you, the children, the household and her career to her affair relationship. She will be focused, but not on you. Your spouse will attempt to push you away by avoiding you, ignoring you, closing off communication or walking away.
2. The affair will most likely be a long-term affair. It will be very difficult for your spouse to walk away from the other person. He may try on a number of occasions but will continue to gravitate back to the other person. He will hold on tenaciously. This is probably the first or only affair for your spouse. Your spouse is not interested in playing or fooling around but powerfully attaching to the other person. The other person is the savior!
3. Don’t believe that the affair was planned before hand because of a bad marriage. These affairs usually just happen. They usually happen with someone in close proximity: co-worker, neighbor, friend (frequently of friends with whom you socialize), etc. The other person is usually the aggressor, your spouse lacking the confidence to seek out the affair. The rationale that it happened because of a lousy marriage comes after the affair is in bloom.
4. The more you try to persuade, convince or pursue, the more strongly he will attach to the other person. He will perceive your efforts as weakness and will want to attach more intently to the other person whom he (at perhaps an unconscious level) deems to be the powerful and loving answer-to-all.
5. Efforts to use moral or religious arguments to call a halt to the affair will be strongly resisted. Your spouse is not guided by rightness or wrongness. These standards have not been internalized and do not carry much weight, especially when it comes to the important chunks of her life. The actions and thoughts of your spouse primarily originate from her need to attach to another person. Any behavior or concept that serves the purpose of maintaining the attachment will be valued. Others are discarded.
6. Expect you will spend a significant amount of time and emotional energy in the next 2 to 4 years (especially if there are children) attempting to resolve the relationship. By resolve, I mean, coming to a point where each of you are fairly free of the emotional entanglement that holds you together and generates the pain and fear. It will be important for you to resolve the relationship whether you continue to be married or separate and divorce.
Does this fit your situation?
Do you see the importance of understanding in-depth the signs of infidelity. Once you do, you will have many more options available that will help you break free.
####################Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, "Break Free From The Affair."For one on one infidelity coaching click here. ###################

For more details click here
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Infidelity: Difference Between a Rage and Revenge Affair

by Dr. Robert Huizenga
The fifth affair I outline in my book, "Break Free From The Affair" is called: "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her." This is the revenge affair.
It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in infidelity. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse.
Key Points:
1. The affair may be a direct response to the affair of the spouse. “I’ll show you! Take this! I want you to hurt as much as I hurt.” Or the affair may be revenge for some other form of cut-off or perceived emotional injury: “I’m not getting enough here, so I’ll show you!” Or, “There, I got your attention!”
2. This typically occurs in a marriage where effective personal confrontation does not happen or happens ineffectively. There is a mistrust of expressing one’s self fully to the other person. The marriage relationship usually is marked by civility, but the two, in essence, do not know each other very well. They are polite, but there is no fire. They may want more, but are not sure how to get more.
3. The fire that does exist is a smoldering tension under the surface of the marriage. The tension may be the result of the frustration that one or both experience when they believe their needs are not being met. There is a genuine desire for more – from the spouse – but it’s not happening.
4. This form of revenge affair serves as a wake-up call for the relationship. If, and I use the word if advisedly, the couple can “get it out” – drain off the tension – and begin talking about needs, yes, the relationship stands a very good chance of turning into something wonderful. One or both must say with a great deal of passion, “I REALLY want you! I no longer will settle for the boiling frustration and seeming indifference to my needs. This is what I need and expect…..”
5. There is another kind of revenge affair that holds less hope and is more destructive. A revenge affair may be the result of long-standing and unresolved anger or rage toward the opposite sex. There is a persistent pattern of the person pushing others away with rage or anger. There also is a great deal of projection, or this person blaming others for his/her situation.
6. This form of anger is more rage than frustration. The rage emerges from a desire to hurt rather than from the frustration of needs not being met. This person exhibits little concern, as well, for the other person. Whereas someone more frustrated because they want their needs met, is usually more considerate of the other person.
Tip: Begin to make distinctions between rage and frustration. Determine the type of revenge affair you must face. If it is rage, learn to protect yourself and set boundaries. Begin to take exceptional care of yourself. Begin to say no! If it is an affair of frustration, begin looking at your needs. Identify and express those needs. Take a risk. Turn up the passion button. Dare to engage about needs, both yours and the others.
####################Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, "Break Free From The Affair."For one on one infidelity coaching click here. ###################
For more details click here
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Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage

by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.” (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)
What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?
So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”
He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”
At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.
If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.
She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!
Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!”
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.
She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”
This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.
I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.
At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
This is your opportunity to grow to another level.
Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.
Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage.
####################Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, "Break Free From The Affair."For one on one infidelity coaching click here. ###################

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Surviving Infidelity and Saving the Marriage

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the discovery of the affair is usually profound. Signs of a cheating spouse usually lead to days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to “work through” the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the infidelity. I don’t recommend marriage counseling, at least initially.
The devastating emotional impact of infidelity results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one’s ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one’s self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
Addressing these two dynamics as they play out in 7 different kinds of infidelity becomes the key to not merely surviving infidelity but moving the person and relationship to a new levels of understanding and intimacy.
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About the author: Dr. Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, is a respected Marriage and Family Therapist with over two decades of clinical experience, study and research. He created and maintains the website: http://item0612.breakfree1.hop.clickbank.net/?tid=MAR12. Site description: Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs Help - Relationship help to survive infidelity, save your marriage and move beyond marital infidelity with an infidelity coach. Learn signs of cheating husbands or spouse.
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Marital Infidelity: different signs

Some become involved in an affair because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of “being in love” and having that “loving feeling.”
Marital infidelity might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.
Another affair serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. Signs of infidelity in this case are short-term and one-person affairs. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.
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Cheating Husbands and Emotional Infidelity: What kind of affairs?

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.
Out of my study and experience with cheating husbands and hundreds of couples I’ve identified 7 different kinds of affairs.
Briefly, some affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage and may result in emotional infidelity. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming “trophy chasers.” This “boys will be boys” mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts.
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Relationship Crisis: 6 Reasons to Get Physically Fit

by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
Relationship crises (break-up, affair, huge conflict, children problems) demand tremendous energy and often throw our lives off a healthy track - which further perpetuates our inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.
Don't forget your body while you wrestle with a relationship or marital crisis.
It is easy to let yourself go. It is easy to postpone - I will start tomorrow - your walking, running or workout. Your preoccupation with the other person floods your life, leaving little room for anything else. Or, you find yourself so overwrought that it seems impossible to "talk yourself" into getting started.
But, exercise and nutrition are powerful tools to help yourself at this point. Here are 6 reasons why:
1. Exercise and attention to your nutrition shift your focus to you. Exclusive focus on the other person atrophies your spirit, your energy, productivity, your healthy emotions and your body. You fade. You diminish. You become less than you truly are. So much of my work with others is helping them begin to think about themselves and take action for themselves. This is a major move. And it can begin by focusing on your body. It is the best, most practical place to begin. Your body is basic. It is a huge part of you. Begin paying attention to it.
2. Focusing on the body, using it, stimulating it, making it stretch and sweat is a great way to reduce stress. I'm not an expert here, but I understand it kicks in healthy body chemicals and cleanses some of the toxins - calming your mind, heart and soul.
3. Your confidence grows as you begin to manage your body and see changes in its endurance, strength and beauty. You begin to think better thoughts about yourself. Self-care can result in a minor miracle in terms of your perception of yourself.
4. You will begin to think of yourself as more desirable and sexy. Your sense of sexiness may be at risk. It may be on the line. It may be called into question. Doubts abound. It is a complicated and powerful issue in our culture. (Watch a few commercials on TV.) Exercise and physical health cuts through the doubts. Being physically healthy is sexy. You feel more sexual and you become more desirable.
5. Physical fitness is one of the first steps to becoming highly attractive and exerting your personal power. Once you believe and act attractive, the power of the relationship or marital crisis will lessen in your life. It actually might seem rather juvenile. Yes, there is more to attractiveness than looking great. But, we begin by honing our body, working it and caring for it. This builds the foundation for other forms of attractiveness and personal power.
6. You assume control. You may feel, as a result of the relationship crisis in your life, that you have little control or influence. It seems to become a waiting game. You wait for the other person. This other person or the situation seemingly dictates your every move and thought. You feel paralyzed. When you begin to move your body, you take control. Getting on a great exercise, fitness program makes you the master of that part of your life. You are in control. That feels good. That is good.
Beginning an exercise/fitness program in the midst of a relationship crisis is easier said than done. Usually we need support, encouragement or some sort of structure to get us moving. We have good intentions, but the follow through is lacking.
You have no further to look than online. There are great sites on the web that help you get started, offer encouragement and resources and keep you motivated and on track. Take advantage of these resources.
####################Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, "Break Free From The Affair."For one on one infidelity coaching click here. ###################
For more details click here
Get It & Download It Now

10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship

by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
1. Be predictable. When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What's up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture?
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Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn't mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!
2. Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable." No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions.
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Sexually Addicted? 10 Important Questions to Ask

by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
There are many things in our culture that grab us and won't let go. Sometimes sex is one of them. Perhaps that's the case for you or your spouse/partner.
Sexual addiction plays a prominent role in the "I Can't Say No" kind of extramarital affair I outline in my E-book, "Break Free From the Affair."
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These questions are intended to help you be more aware of some behaviors that perhaps indicate that sex has a hold on you. If you answer yes to three or more questions it probably is wise to take a closer look at the place of sex in your life. 1) Do I have sex at inappropriate times, inappropriate places and/or with the wrong people?2) Do I make promises to myself or rules for myself concerning my sexual behavior that I find I cannot follow?Read on to learn how you can have this entire article, as well as hundreds of other helpful resources at your fingertips...
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Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know... and what you can do to help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.
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That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.
Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

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Other Nuggets in this Short

Sue talks about the importance of waiting and the stages of waiting. Three periods of waiting:
1. Waiting for her crazy husband to change. (waste of time, but perhaps the first phase or stage of coping with infidelity)
2. Waiting for herself to be comfortable with her before she acted. (Now this is a challenge, but well worth the struggle)
3. Waiting for the process to complete. (Sue is now waiting to see what growth and decisisions her husband will make. She has a timeline of a few weeks [not months or years] to wait. If he continues down a path with the OP she will file for divorce. However, she is confident he is growing toward her and the marriage. Recent conversations and his changing behavior indicate so.) Sue can now wait with confidence, purpose and calmness after breaking through the wall of pain.
One more goodie from the tape: expectations.
Sue offers her wisdom and thinking on dealing with expectations. Great nuggets of truth.
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.

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Courage to Face the Crud

In the second tape segment, you hear Sue and her experience of hitting the wall - the 3 week crying jag.
These tears were different than the tears/pain felt upon discovery of the affair. They had a different flavor and different purpose.
She knew she could not run away from these tears. If she did, they would only appear later, perhaps in more powerful destructive forms.
Was this "work" for Sue?
Did she invite these tears or did they just happen?
Did she have any control over them?
How did she break through?
What was on the other side?
Sue addresses these questions in the tape.
Also, as you listen, hear her insightful comments about her desire to yell and scream, make knee-jerk decisions and take action she might regret. (This has great application, in all affairs except perhaps #2: "I Don't Want to Say No.") See Break Free From the Affair for the characteristics of the 7 kinds of affairs.
Sue found wisdom, healing, confidence and calmness within. You can also. In reality, that's the ONLY place you will find it. What can you learn from Sue to help you get there?
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Sue's Fabulous Four Strategies for Breaking Through the Wall of Pain and a 180° Shift in Feelings

If you listened closely you heard four powerful strategies that Sue used and you can intentionally use as well to break through and break free.
1. Learn. Keep learning. Keep looking at it. Sue read Break Free From the Affair not once, but often. Learning about infidelity is like learning a new language. You see, there are many myths and misconceptions about infidelity that if you don't address, will keep you stuck in the never-ending agony. Keep looking at it until you feel your negative thinking shift.
2. Sue relished support. The blog. the chat room became her home away from home. Now a chat room may not be for everyone, but the bottom line - you need some form of support. And, support is often hard to find. Family, friends and others are usually clueless about infidelity and offer simplistic, not helpful advice. You need someone, someplace that will affirm you, will honor you, will truly "get" you and maybe, sometimes, laugh and cry with you.
3. Sue sought input. She read Break Free From the Affair.She read other books. She read others' blog postings. She listened to those in the chat room. She knew she needed to learn. She knew she must think differently. She soaked up as much knowledge as she could. It percolated within her. And, one day, the confusion vanished and there is was - clear, making perfect sense, feeling just right.
4. Sue was brave enough to try something different. She took the input of others and planned a course of action. She acted differently. She tried on new behaviors. She experimented and evaluated the results. She shared these results with her new-found friends, receiving the input and support she needed again and then moved on to her next chapter.
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Infidelity and Pain: Discover Exactly how Sue Catapulted Through her 3-Week Crying Jag and Meltdown

...helping her jump huge infidelity hurdles and take confident calm action she KNEW was right for her and held the only hope for saving her marriage
Dr. Huizenga here.
Isn't it truly amazing how circumstances sometimes flow together to offer to us what we really need - and as they flow we are clueless about their importance?
A couple months ago I ventured into the chat room to check out the software that was acting up. While there I struck up a short conversation with a Sue. I enjoyed our short chat, but didn't think any more about it.
A while later I offered free Laser (15 minute) coaching sessions. Sue registered.
Sue was one of my last sessions. I called and said, "This is Dr. Huizenga, calling for our Laser Coaching." She gasped, started laughing, and began apologizing.
She said she was feeling so good that she forgot about the session. She was sorry but she had no idea what questions to ask or talk about. This might be a waste our time?
But, we continued. And what emerged was truly amazing. Sue encapsulated the healing change process that I witness with so many struggling with infidelity. She eloquently, with joy and passion shared her inspiring journey.
I want to share part of Sue's story with you, hoping you too find hope courage and solid direction on your often painful journey.
First, a little background.
Sue discovered her husband's affair about 7 months ago. They talk regularly and she states he is growing tremendously. However he continues to live with the OP, although says he considers leaving.
Sue felt the deep pain for the first 6 months and then about 6 weeks ago had a "break through." The pain was replaced with confident and positive feelings.
Your Hurdles Scream at You: Your Life will NEVER be the Same
There are the "firsts" after infidelity discovery. The first Christmas. The first birthday. The first Valentine's Day. The first anniversary. The first visit to a special restaurant. It can be a long list.
Each is a hurdle. Each is a foreboding moat to cross.
For Sue, it was getting on a plane and taking her first trip alone. It was her hurdle - and as it turned out, her last major hurdle.
Prior to her jump over this last hurdle, Sue had a meltdown - a night and day crying jag that lasted for 3 weeks. Heart wrenching. Painful. Will-never-seem-to-end agony.
And then, one morning, it was over. A new day. A new perspective. New feelings. The pain, the agony, the endless days of tears were done.
What happened? What thrust her through that wall of agony with such power, force and finality?
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Emotional Infidelity: A Love Affair or Just Friends?

by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
A common plea: But, we're "just friends." However the "emotional connection" is quite obvious by the amount of time spent in communication and the "vibes" that are set off.
These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social context in which working intensively toward a common goal consumes energy.
Here are a few observations of the "just friends" emotional affair:
1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line. S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspects of his/her life may suffer or be ignored. There often is a lack of personal balance between family, work, self care.
2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close to someone, but don't like intimacy.) The "just friends" emotional affair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get "intimate." Neither relationship is fully consummated or has potential for growth.
3. Of course the "just friends" comment means either "stay away" or I'm, underneath all this, really confused about where I fit in relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean to me. There is an "emotional connection" to the OP that defies description. A sad kind of "stuckness or lostness."
The lover or "falling in love" emotional affair has a different twist.
The remainder of this article is found in our members only section, the Infidelity Insider. For more information, please read on...
This article is part of a series of articles written by Dr. Huizenga. He responds in practical and heart-felt ways to pressing issues such as:
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Extramarital Affair: Their Sex is not "Always Hot"
Day of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds?
Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do it
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask
Infidelity Recovery: What is it with Men?
The full Mini-ebook is one of many practical resources located in the Infidelity Insiders Members Area.
Join the Infidelity Insiders and have all of the articles at your fingertips. Soak in his practical, hard-hitting advice. Begin to formulate your own strategies to help you break free.
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Friendship, Dating, Love And Marriage

Pages

Infidelity Quickie #6: Affair Aftermath - I Have No Life

Infidelity Quickie #5: How Could She Do This?

Infidelity Quickie #4: From Depression to a Future Tinged with Hope